Dear Ex-Wife,

Ex-Wife,

   We have gone through a lot together and I think throughout the years we have formed a really strong and loving bond. We know each other stories, lives & dreams. I did consider you my best friend. But, that is no longer true because best friends do not do what you have done. Perhaps in the future we will become friends again.  I didn’t recognize you when we were going through the divorce. You seem to become someone else. But after the hurt, pain and shock, I reflected on everything. I reflect on who you are and your history. This is what I discovered or acknowledged:

        When we 1^st met you were in a good place compared to were you were before. You were going back to school, you were being a role model to a troubled teen, you were dating this awful man but he still supported you. Despite his demeanor, he cared about you.   You were getting something out of the relationship. Than you met me…I was the opposite of this awful man and you saw some qualities in me that you liked and thought you could use in your next stage in life.  I was a means to get out of your present relationship.  That relationship was all used up. You did not need anything anymore from him or the relationship. You saw a changed life within me and our new relationship. Here was a man who was kind, loving and loyal.  A new start.

We fell in love and started off in the new direction…your direction. My direction was your direction at the time. I was  deeply in love with you and very devoted and would do anything for you. I stuck with you throughout all your crazy ideas and dreams. I supported you in all aspects (emotionally, psychology,  physically and spiritually). I was the steady solid rock. You knew I would lie down my life for you and that you could trust me.  We had a family. You finally had the kids that you always wanted. You were a mom. We had rough times and we stuck together through it all.  I now see that if you have met someone who cared for you during those times you would have bailed on me than. But, there was no one suitable, so we survived together.

Your family life was very women dominated.  You were brought up that men were just a convenience or  a means to an end. If you think about it all the men in your life as you were growing up were not there and I think part of that is due to your mother’s way of thinking. Your dad is trying really hard to get back and staying in your life.  I’m not saying the men were not entirely at fault but the methods and attitude of your mother in dealing with them leads me to believe in this. You were brought up with the view from your mom’s eyes that you can be successful without a man in your life, Yet your mom used men to get what she wanted and then made up some excuse to get rid of them.  She also choice men that had certain qualities that would help her on the success ladder and turned a blind eye to the other qualities until she needed to use those qualities to get rid of them.  She was a victim but a victim created by her own choices.

Now you are indeed at another crossroad or it is you are at the same place as you were 18 years ago but it looks slightly different.  You have your dream career, you have your kids, you met this other man who has qualities that you need to move onto that other stage that you set in your mind. He has land, is a carpenter, shows his undying love for you and to add to the pot he already has 2 adorable kids that you can be a mother to.  You feel that those qualities were what you were looking for and that the qualities that I have are no longer needed, so you kick me to the curb, take your kids (yes that is how you really see them, you can fool yourself about me being their father but all your actions have shown me what your true feelings are.)  Forget about even trying to work things out with me…this other way is much easier.

I also realize that your lover helped you “cross the line”. He was there to support you. He said the right things to make you feel wanted. He had a listening ear for you.  He replace me in many ways.  He showed some assertiveness because he was a signal Dad and he had to do that. He also won custody over his kids so he had “words of wisdom”  for dealing with getting custody of the kids.  He wanted you even when you and I were together so he went after you and got you. I don’t know what happened but it seemed he “made his move” when I was at my spiritual and emotional retreat. Because when I came back you have obviously moved on. I’m not saying he is the main cause because you had to make that choice. He just nudged you a little to make the choice a little easier for you.

  You are right we are going down two different roads and frankly I do not want to go down your road that you are traveling. The dream of having a land and house was my dream as well but you saw a faster way and more doable way.  You watched a new born baby just before you took those steps to get rid of me. A few weeks later I found the pregnancy test. All this  made me believe yet there is something more you wanted that you couldn’t get from me and that is another baby. You were the one who encouraged me to get the discectomy. 

We will be coming up to our 16^th anniversary and boy, have we gone down different paths. I feel my path is of stability and determination to make a better life for our kids.  I have to do it on my own.  I do not know what you are planning. All I know is that I will not allow you to bring our kids down your sinful, chaotic, emotionally unhealthy, amoral life.    That is actually what you are doing. You are teaching the kids that it is ok to not work out your issues with your partner before moving onto someone else. I have talked to many people who have gone through divorces and no one has ever heard or done what you have done…moved into a relationship, dragging the kids and forcing them into your relationship, merging families before the other one is fully done. I feel that I am doing damage control for everything you do. I pray and hope that it is enough.     

How It all Began

Have you ever woke up in the morning and felt that something was going to happen today. You were not sure what it was, if it was good or bad? Well, I woke up in the morning of August 17^th 2012 having a feeling like that. It could had been because all the kids were going to a sleep over at their great aunts house so it would mean a romantic evening with my wife.  What happen on that night would be something that will always be embedding in my memories.

  I got home early that night. I stopped by and picked some food up and I even picked the house up a little. A candle lite table was set for when she came home. She arrived a little later than I thought. As soon as she walked in I knew something was up. I’ve known this woman for 18 years after all. She sat down and the 1^st thing she said was “let’s say a prayer” Now I knew something was up. My 1^st thought was she wanted to tell me that she wants to go back to school and become a doctor or some other venture that she tends to do every so often.  I was so far off.  I did not know what hit me that night.

Later that night I was dragging the spare mattress in the basement into the furnished part of the basement. I was banished to the basement. She had to “have her space”. She originally wanted me to leave but I refused because I didn’t have a place to go and this place was mine as much as hers. She was the one that had “issues” not me.  The worst part was we had to tell the kids when they got back from their sleepover. I found out later that her whole family was in on it. Except for her father because he was a male.

One week later, with a teary face she admitted that she “had feelings” for another man. She had gone on long hikes with him. I should had been suspicious but he was a friend of the family and his kids were best friends with our kids. I trusted my wife.  How could she possibly be “attractive” to him!? He was an older, overweight, ugly man.  He was married 3 times and had a poor reputation with relationships.

Weeks later he was a steady presence in our kids’ lives. Instead of dad being there this other man was there. I confronted my wife about this and she said that she would never replace me as their father. But, her actions showed differently.

Before I confronted her about him. I confronted him about the whole situation.

It was a warm summer late afternoon. We agreed to meet on an abandon dirt road that was half way between our home and his.  I recall calling a good friend and telling him what I was doing. He cautioned me and made a statement about he wouldn’t had met me if he was the other guy.  I was the husband after all. My wife knew I was doing this and she didn’t stop me. In fact it seemed she encouraged it. Two guys fighting over her. 

We met half way down the dirt road. He lumbered into sight. He was a big guy, lumpy looking more than fat. He was bigger than me but that didn’t matter. I wasn’t here to fight but to talk.  We were civil to each other…matter of fact like.  I said “I have loved her for 18 years and I am not giving up”. He stated his love for her and apologized. We ended up shaking hands and walking away.

Months later, My wife has moved in with him with the excuse that the place she moved too had furnace problems and she had to save money. 

She eventually got a place in a nearby town.   Months later she was back up living with him and was pregnant with his child.  She considered his place her new home and she always talked in “we” statements.

I could go into the whole legal aspects of this journey but I want to focus on the emotional, spiritual and psychological aspects of this story.

Memeories Of My Past 25 Year Old Bride

On June 21, 1997  I was slow dancing with my beautiful 25 year wife in an empty knights of Columbus Hall to Bruce Springsteen’s “Secret Garden” She wore a beautiful long white wedding dress that really showed off her cute figure and I had a black tuxedo on. My friend Michael and the DJ were the only ones left.  Michael disappeared into the kitchen to let us have our moment. The DJ was the only one to witness our love and a moment I will never forget.

It is now 2013 and that beautiful wife is gone.  There wasn’t a physical death but an emotional, marital death. That young bride is older now but she is also gone.  I really noticed her disappearance at our last mediation. I intently observed her while she was talking to the mediator and there was nothing there that indicated she was the woman I loved  for 16 years.  There was an aura of insanity surrounding her.  I looked at her physical features.  I noticed that her nose seemed bigger and she had more haggard lines on her face and she was heavier.  She wasn’t an older, beautiful version of my 25 year old bride but a deformed doppelganger of her.  She was a devious, manipulative woman who’s only goal was to get what she wanted which was a new life that included her kids but not their father. I was just in her way. She proclaims that I frighten her. I believe that the reason for this proclamation is because I am not laying down in defeat.  I am actually showing some strength. That is what she is afraid of…that she will not get her way because I am not succumbing to her plans.  

I battle for our kids. I fight to make sure that I am a significant influence in their lives. That they have a dad despite that their parent are not together.  I also fight to bring stability to the chaotic life that their mother brings to their lives. I work two jobs so that I can create this stability.   I would never deny them access to their mother unless she proves to be totally unstable and threatening to them. 

I cry for our kids. My tears for my once beautiful bride have dried up a while ago. It saddens me that our kids have to go through this. I’m sure they wish their parents would just make up and get back together, that everything is better and back to what it used to be.  I know this because I have gone through it myself as a kid.  I eventual face the fact that my parents are not getting back together and that my life will be different for now on.  My life did get better and I did survive.  I trust and have faith that this will happen to our kids as well. 

This separation started out with only one person wanting to end our 15 years together. Now that I have been looking at everything from afar and in solitude, reflecting on my past life with her and the present. There are now 2 people in agreement that we cannot be together.