How It all Began

Have you ever woke up in the morning and felt that something was going to happen today. You were not sure what it was, if it was good or bad? Well, I woke up in the morning of August 17^th 2012 having a feeling like that. It could had been because all the kids were going to a sleep over at their great aunts house so it would mean a romantic evening with my wife.  What happen on that night would be something that will always be embedding in my memories.

  I got home early that night. I stopped by and picked some food up and I even picked the house up a little. A candle lite table was set for when she came home. She arrived a little later than I thought. As soon as she walked in I knew something was up. I’ve known this woman for 18 years after all. She sat down and the 1^st thing she said was “let’s say a prayer” Now I knew something was up. My 1^st thought was she wanted to tell me that she wants to go back to school and become a doctor or some other venture that she tends to do every so often.  I was so far off.  I did not know what hit me that night.

Later that night I was dragging the spare mattress in the basement into the furnished part of the basement. I was banished to the basement. She had to “have her space”. She originally wanted me to leave but I refused because I didn’t have a place to go and this place was mine as much as hers. She was the one that had “issues” not me.  The worst part was we had to tell the kids when they got back from their sleepover. I found out later that her whole family was in on it. Except for her father because he was a male.

One week later, with a teary face she admitted that she “had feelings” for another man. She had gone on long hikes with him. I should had been suspicious but he was a friend of the family and his kids were best friends with our kids. I trusted my wife.  How could she possibly be “attractive” to him!? He was an older, overweight, ugly man.  He was married 3 times and had a poor reputation with relationships.

Weeks later he was a steady presence in our kids’ lives. Instead of dad being there this other man was there. I confronted my wife about this and she said that she would never replace me as their father. But, her actions showed differently.

Before I confronted her about him. I confronted him about the whole situation.

It was a warm summer late afternoon. We agreed to meet on an abandon dirt road that was half way between our home and his.  I recall calling a good friend and telling him what I was doing. He cautioned me and made a statement about he wouldn’t had met me if he was the other guy.  I was the husband after all. My wife knew I was doing this and she didn’t stop me. In fact it seemed she encouraged it. Two guys fighting over her. 

We met half way down the dirt road. He lumbered into sight. He was a big guy, lumpy looking more than fat. He was bigger than me but that didn’t matter. I wasn’t here to fight but to talk.  We were civil to each other…matter of fact like.  I said “I have loved her for 18 years and I am not giving up”. He stated his love for her and apologized. We ended up shaking hands and walking away.

Months later, My wife has moved in with him with the excuse that the place she moved too had furnace problems and she had to save money. 

She eventually got a place in a nearby town.   Months later she was back up living with him and was pregnant with his child.  She considered his place her new home and she always talked in “we” statements.

I could go into the whole legal aspects of this journey but I want to focus on the emotional, spiritual and psychological aspects of this story.

Memeories Of My Past 25 Year Old Bride

On June 21, 1997  I was slow dancing with my beautiful 25 year wife in an empty knights of Columbus Hall to Bruce Springsteen’s “Secret Garden” She wore a beautiful long white wedding dress that really showed off her cute figure and I had a black tuxedo on. My friend Michael and the DJ were the only ones left.  Michael disappeared into the kitchen to let us have our moment. The DJ was the only one to witness our love and a moment I will never forget.

It is now 2013 and that beautiful wife is gone.  There wasn’t a physical death but an emotional, marital death. That young bride is older now but she is also gone.  I really noticed her disappearance at our last mediation. I intently observed her while she was talking to the mediator and there was nothing there that indicated she was the woman I loved  for 16 years.  There was an aura of insanity surrounding her.  I looked at her physical features.  I noticed that her nose seemed bigger and she had more haggard lines on her face and she was heavier.  She wasn’t an older, beautiful version of my 25 year old bride but a deformed doppelganger of her.  She was a devious, manipulative woman who’s only goal was to get what she wanted which was a new life that included her kids but not their father. I was just in her way. She proclaims that I frighten her. I believe that the reason for this proclamation is because I am not laying down in defeat.  I am actually showing some strength. That is what she is afraid of…that she will not get her way because I am not succumbing to her plans.  

I battle for our kids. I fight to make sure that I am a significant influence in their lives. That they have a dad despite that their parent are not together.  I also fight to bring stability to the chaotic life that their mother brings to their lives. I work two jobs so that I can create this stability.   I would never deny them access to their mother unless she proves to be totally unstable and threatening to them. 

I cry for our kids. My tears for my once beautiful bride have dried up a while ago. It saddens me that our kids have to go through this. I’m sure they wish their parents would just make up and get back together, that everything is better and back to what it used to be.  I know this because I have gone through it myself as a kid.  I eventual face the fact that my parents are not getting back together and that my life will be different for now on.  My life did get better and I did survive.  I trust and have faith that this will happen to our kids as well. 

This separation started out with only one person wanting to end our 15 years together. Now that I have been looking at everything from afar and in solitude, reflecting on my past life with her and the present. There are now 2 people in agreement that we cannot be together.